A More Beautiful Question

1. 2014 is drawing to a close. It’s been a crazy year. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced so many ups and downs in such a span of time. But let’s focus on the good stuff for a bit:

- met the beautiful woman I am going to be spending the rest of my life with and asked her to be my wife. She agreed. That was awesome. Anne has made this year so much better in so many ways. What a fantastic human being
- I’m exiting the year 50lbs lighter, having lost ~65lbs in all. I’m so glad I finally motivated myself to change my lifestyle. I can objectively say that I am happier having lost weight than I was when I was heavier. That may sound like a truism, but I was rather oblivious as to how my extra weight affected me. I got rid of well over half of my closet last week in triumph. I went from a large shirt size to a medium. I went from a size 40 waist to a size 32. I’m not through losing weight yet, but I have made huge amounts of progress.
- I feel professionally more secure in what I’m doing than I did. There have been some crises here and there, but I think what I am doing is good.

I believe in 2015, I will be focusing on gratitude. I need to be more thankful for the things that are going well so I don’t focus as hard on the things that aren’t.

2. I had some people over last night to play video games; I think I will also be doing more of that in 2015. That sort of social atmosphere is something I’ve been lacking.

3. So.

It is with a heavy heart that I have decided that I will no longer be writing here in 2015.

When I started this writing project in 2011, I had a scope in mind. I wanted to get my thoughts out of my head and into the atmosphere. And I think I’ve largely done so. But I think my needs have now been fulfilled by this project. I don’t need it anymore. Over the course of the last 3 ½ years, I have become an almost completely different person. And this project has helped me do so. I just don’t think it’s helping me anymore. It’s been a good place to vent, certainly, and a good place to develop things, but I feel as though I haven’t been making the effort for the past few months. I think there are other avenues and media I would like to explore; other forms I’d like my writing to take. And so it’s time to shove off from dock and sail around for a while.

I have some thoughts about keeping a commonplace book or sorts, collecting quotes, poems, etc. I also might do a longer-form post somewhere once a week or so. The world is my oyster.

I leave you with the quote that first inspired me:

Always the beautiful answer who asks a more beautiful question.

And so I set off once again in search.

1. I have spent the last 45 minutes writing up the final list of books I’ve read this year. The total currently stands at 112, with any addition tomorrow unlikely. I am quite satisfied with this result. I’d originally planned on reading 100 books, which was a stretch, but (knowing myself) I’m not entirely surprised I managed to go over. I averaged reading 88 pages a day, which I find to be pretty impressive. I’m pleased.

That said, I will never set 100 as my goal again. That is too many books to try and read. I will likely try to read at least 50 books, but I probably won’t even bother setting a goal for myself next year. I read with extreme regularity now, and there’s no real reason to set goals anymore. I will still likely track what I read, of course.

I read a lot of fantastic books this year, but I wanted to pick just 10 that really stood out. I decided to only include books I hadn’t read before. So, without further ado:

Top 10 for 2014
1. The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt
2. Schubert’s Songs- A Biographical Study
3. The Seven Story Mountain
4. The Goldfinch
5. Understanding Comics
6. e.e. cummings Complete Poems
7. The Good Earth
8. Middlesex
9. My Ántonia
10. Jane Eyre

I was a bit surprised at myself that the first three slots were all taken by biographies/memoirs. Now, these are all dynamically written, but I have always been more of a fiction man, or so I had thought. I think I should seek out new biographies to read, then.

2. Since I’m not going to be setting a hard goal for myself, I should set some books goals; and they are doozies.

- Infinite Jest
- Gödel, Escher, Bach
- 1001 Arabian Nights
- Don Quixote

I think it might also be a good goal to clear my bookshelf at some point. And by that I mean to read everything I haven’t read. Not to get rid of anything. Don’t be silly.

3. Wow, 2014 was a rocky year. It had its major ups and it’s major downs. Everything that was awesome was really awesome. Everything that was horrible was the absolute worst.

I am very much looking forward to 2015.

1. Rilke is an incredible poet. I wish I wouldn’t have left my copy of his Book of Hours in the car, or I would have been able to quote at length. Maybe tomorrow.

2. I have now caught up with Serial. Cheers to Sarah Koenig for a successful first season! I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes.

3. I had a really nice dinner-and-a-movie date with Annie this evening. I am so looking forward to being married to her and going to the same place at the end of every day. Also beginning the day with her in the same place.

1. I am not sure where all of my stuff came from, but I am quite positive of where a large chunk of it is going: donation pile. I am ridding myself of four trash bags worth of material. Way too much to have been in my closet that long.

2. I ate two Ann Sather cinnamon rolls today. That was maybe not a good idea. But it was delicious.

3. This week marks 2 years since I’ve had a Hot Pocket. I gave them up as my New Year’s resolution in 2013 and haven’t looked back. Thank goodness. I mentioned that to a friend and he recollected going to the grocery store with me to get some supplies. He came forward with normal adult-type groceries: produce, bread, etc. I had five boxes of Hot Pockets.

I’ve told a lot of stories on myself over the past week and I’ve been surprised to find how horribly I lived and ate. Some ridiculous stuff. Almost a pound of steak at a time. Eating peanut butter with a spoon.

I am thankful that 2014 was good to me in the weight loss department. It took a lot of hard work, but I can say it was absolutely worth it. I wish I wouldn’t have waited so long to do it. I may still eat ridiculous things from time to time, but at least it’s not with any sort of regularity.

1. I am strangely entranced by Edgar Oliver’s voice. He is a playwright and poet and frequent contributor to The Moth. I’m not sure why a Georgian talks like that, but I find it endearing.

2. I am once again back in Chicago; feeling very transitory.

Chicago has begun to give me anxiety. I felt a little jittery about coming back up here and I’m ready for this not to feel this way anymore.

3. I am very lucky and blessed to be marrying who I am marrying. I am constantly struck by this. Anne cares for me so much.

Similarly, I am very blessed by my family. I am happy I got to spend time with them this week, but I wish I lived closer.

1. I don’t think I ever need to eat again after these last few days. Time to hit the gym next week.

2. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next few months, but it will happen, and it will be awesome.

3. I’m strongly considering using “gratitude” as my word of the year for 2015. I think it would do me some good.

1. This, I think, has been the first year where I have enjoyed the giving of presents more so than the receiving. What a fun day!

2. I miss my family a lot when I’m not in Missouri. I hope I come to a point down the line where I can see them more often.

3. I think I am through eating for the next week.

1. There is so much to write.

2. Bookstores are dangerous places.

3. Grandma’s Cookies in St. Charles may have the best cookies that you can buy in a store.

1. Back in Missouri for the week. Wonderful evening with friends. I miss feeling this at home.

2. I am really looking forward to Christmas morning.

3. I need to let go of this stress. I’m at home and I’m still worried about things happening when I get back.

1. I am looking very much forward to the next several days in Missouri. I need this break.

2. I kind of enjoy pouring drinks at the coffee shop. A part of me is still rebelling against this, but I don’t see why I shouldn’t try and enjoy it.

3. I think I might be read out for 2014. I’ve read nearly 32,000 pages this year. 2015 will involve considerably less, I think. I’ve hit an average of 87 pages a day. That’s not bad, if I don’t say so myself.

1. Calvino's If on a winter’s night a traveler has retained its position as one of my absolute favorite books. In my eyes, it is a perfect novel; not everyone knows how to end a novel, but Calvino nails this. I think it should be required reading.

2. I love latkes. And Jewish holidays.

3. I don’t think I could be more tired right now, but I’m assuming I might have a challenger up tomorrow night.

1. Got in too late to write last night. 2:30 is not an awesome bedtime at this point in my life.

2. Any chance there could be more hours in the day? That’s what I really want for Christmas.

3. I really need rest and healing in this Christmas season and I’m finding the opposite.

1. Snowpiercer was the strangest adaptation of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory I’ve ever seen.

2. I went swimming for a workout for the first time today to moderate success. Ended up swimming for about 40 minutes, all said. I focused on crawl and did 800 or 900 meters. I can’t remember which. It felt great, and best yet, my knee didn’t hurt afterward.

The sauna afterward didn’t hurt, either.

3. I think Christmas shopping is now at a close. I am excited for this. I think I did well this year.

1. Got some disappointing news today regarding a job that I didn’t get. Felt great about my interviews, but I guess I just wasn’t what they were looking for. Lesson to all people: treat your applicants well. If they feel jerked around by the application process, how should that make them feel about working for you?

But this does confirm the fact that I feel very much called to singing and teaching voice. I still very much want to pursue this.

2. Graphic novels can get really weird, really fast. Reading Charles Burns’ Black Hole.

3. I need a break.

1. Bacon jam happened tonight. I had it for the first time last year at St. Louis’s Rooster restaurant and it was only a matter of time before I made my own. It is incredible. And it better be, with three pounds of bacon, four onions, some coffee, brown sugar, and maple syrup.

Note to recipe authors: when you say that a recipe takes 1hr15min to prepare, don’t randomly add at the very end that it may take up to 3 hours to reduce. Not cool.

2. Waiting for phone calls is awful.

3. Tonight was much needed.

Tomorrow night’s task is to make my room not a disaster area. Here goes nothing.