A More Beautiful Question

1. It’s currently 3:48AM, meaning that when I came home after today’s rehearsal/bike ride/Dillo Day/recital and laid down for what was supposed to be a half hour nap at 8:30, in reality I slept for about 7 hours.

2. Today’s bike ride was kind of a flop. The trail was nowhere near as good as I had hoped it to be. It was fine in some spots, but through most of it, it was really rough going as far as potholes and turned to chit. From every review I’d read of it, it was supposed to be a really nice trail, but maybe people have lower standards up here?

In any case, I popped a tube on my back tire. Bummer. I was still 3 miles away from Evanston and all I had with me were my bike cleats. So, being that you’re not supposed to walk in cleats, I took them off and was going barefoot. Which is about when some really frumpy lady had her four-year-old yell out the window, “Hey! get some freakin’ shoes!” Wow. Parenting win. I mean, really? What a great example to set for your kid. She even slowed her car down.

3. I really hope I can get everything done I need to in the next two days.

4. Dear Derek,

go back to sleep.

Love,
Derek 

1. Today could have been a horrible day but actually turned out for the better.

Free dinner tonight provided by Bienen.

Chorale gets to stand on the risers downstage from the rest of the chorus, meaning I don’t have to stand next to people that shout for the next two days. How anyone sings like that, I do not know. I thought about throwing some pedagogy at that guy last night.

Finally got to go see The Avengers tonight with my buddy Ryan. Excellent film. Totally worth it. I was shocked by how much wasn’t spoiled for me by all the blogs I’ve read. Especially the after-credits. I can’t wait to see how this plays out. That’s a big villain to take on.

2. I was enjoying the movie tonight when all of a sudden, my writer’s mind turned on and wouldn’t turn off again. I had this quote rolling through my head and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy the movie any longer if I didn’t turn on my phone and write it down in order to not forget it.

That’s the first time that’s happened. Writing’s really becoming a part of me, more so than I realized.

3. I’ve got my route all mapped out for tomorrow’s afternoon bike ride. I’ve pretty much decided to skip out on Dillo Day in favor of something more productive. I’m not drinking over the next two or so weeks in preparation for a concert, so it’s all the better, I think. I’m excited. Here’s praying for good weather!

4. Dear Joss Whedon,

you’re a great director and filmmaker. Keep it up! I’m still waiting for the next great TV series from you.

- Derek

1. I read a fantastic article over at Gizmodo today called “Being Deaf: How the World is Different Without Hearing”. It’s written from the perspective of a deaf programmer who works in a startup company. In the article, he talks about the feelings of isolation he gets from not being able to participate in office conversation. He talks about not finding out about coworkers leaving for vacations or conferences until they’re gone and he’s the only one in the office. Job interviews present another problem, because the technology simply isn’t sophisticated or user-friendly enough to use. He also has a fear that he will never find someone to love because of the communication barrier.

The culmination of the article talks about the breaking point for him. He’d been at a social function for work where they were at a crowded bowling alley and everyone seemed to be having a good time and laughing. However, because he couldn’t hear, he couldn’t participate. He ended up going home that night and just breaking down in tears, which prompted him to write an email to one of the cofounders of the company.

“The next morning the cofounder read my email. He invited me for a chat over breakfast. When he let me into his apartment, I was surprised and a little guilty when I saw his eyes. That moment was the most vulnerable I ever saw him. Of course, you idiot, I thought right then.Founders get lonely, too.”

I’ve said it before: “Me, too.” is truly one of the best things you can ever say to a person. The world is big and tough, and it’s so easy to feel lonely, whether it be caused by words or by feelings or by actions. So when you affirm someone’s feelings, suddenly they’re not so alone any more.

Another great quote from the article: “Happiness is a verb.”

2. There are a lot of movies coming out that I really want to see. There are also plenty of movies that have already come out that I’d still like to see:

- Moonrise Kingdom (new Wes Anderson)
- The Avengers
- Hunger Games
- The Dark Knight Rises
- Men in Black III

3. The community choir is one of my least favorite beasts of the field. Tonight was the first rehearsal of the combined choirs for the Blackford Not in Our TIme on Sunday. We were joined tonight by the Bournemouth Symphony Chorus, which seemed to be a community group. This is in combination with the community group that we already had here. That’s a bit too much. I had the privilege of sitting next to a gentleman doused in Brut cologne who proceeded to bark or shout every note in the score. Awful stuff.

Oh, community choirs…

A field guide to the types of community choir members:

- The Veteran: this person has been in every choir under the sun and their open mouth and packed and tattered choir folder can attest to their experience. Every other story beings with, “Well, when I was singing under Robert Shaw back in the ’70s…”
- The Lady Who Asks Questions: this woman’s mouth is usually open and flapping, but not in the same sense as the Veteran. The Veteran at least has a filter and knows what a good question is and can discern is pertinent and what they should keep to themselves.
- The Guy Who Shouts Everything: this guy just wants to be heard. He thinks he has the right to sing as loudly as he wants, dynamics be damned, and sees himself as the real leader of the section. He probably has no idea how to actually sing.
- The Woman Who Sings Tenor: self-explanatory. If you’re lucky, you might also see the woman who sings bass.
- The Kids No One Will Babysit: brought to rehearsal out of necessity. - The Director’s Spouse: this person usually thinks they have the run of the place and can lay down whatever law they want to in addition to the director themselves because they are at an equal level with the director. May or may not have any educated ideas about music in reality. It can’t be too hard, right? 
- The Director’s Pet: unfortunately can also be The Lady Who Asks Questions.
- Legitimate Singers: the minority. May be there by accident or out of the honest-to-goodness charity of their hearts. Text snide comments to each other about everyone else in the choir. Try to follow the conductor’s 4-pattern, to varied success. Don’t they have brush-up courses?
- The Accompanist: a saint among sinners.

I’m pretty sure I might be Garrison Keillor now.

4. Dear people that park on the curb,

Congrats on the parking spot/parking job. That can be a real accomplishment. But if you’re going to rummage around in your car before getting out, kindly do so with the door shut. I don’t want to take your door off, but if you leave it wide open into the street, that might just happen. Knock it off!

- Derek 

1. Today was another gorgeous day in the city of Evanston, Illinois and I am saddle sore for the first time in months. I took my first bike ride of the season today up to the Baha’i temple in Wilmette; round trip was about 13 miles.

I got a chance to try out and break in my new cleats. I’ve never had clips before now, and I was a little bit concerned that I wouldn’t be able to figure them out, but luckily it’s pretty intuitive. I only fell over once, and even then it wasn’t completely. I spent most of the time trying to feel out my shifting system since it’s still pretty new to me, but I did get hypnotized by the water on more than one occasion. I love living by this lake.

Biking has to be one of my favorite things in the world. I feel completely clear when I’m on the road. I usually have good music on and it’s a great time to just think; I can’t really safely multitask apart from that.

I really need to figure out how to better map out my rides so I can be more exact with my workouts. Unfortunately the trails here aren’t as direct and uninterrupted as my old Grant’s Trail back in St. Louis, so it takes a bit longer, but I think I might be able to find something better a little farther out. There’s a trail that goes all the way to Kenosha that starts with the Green Bay trail that looks promising. I think it’s a little closer to what I’m used to. I should probably pick up an extra tube or two before heading out though. I would be SOL if I popped a tire out there. *I’m knocking on as much wood as I can find right now*.

2. I’ve been listening to Peter Gabriel’s 2010 album “Scratch My Back”, which is a cover album. Albums comprised completely of covers are usually just fluff albums, but man if he can’t ever pick great music. One of my very favorite songs is “Book of Love” off of this album. Just as good is his cover of Lou Reed’s “The Power of the Heart”

“You know me I like to dream a lot
Of this and that and what is now
And finally I figured out what was what
It was the power of the heart”

3. The style and preparation class that I’ve been taking all quarter has been one of the best things I’ve ever done. We’ve been having exactly the kind of discussions I’ve always wanted to have with people. The over-arching conversation in that course is the Stravinsky/Wagner debate: should the composer be the ultimate word on a performance or does the performer have license to perform “in good taste,” whatever their taste may be? Both ideas are after the same result, the true spirit of the music, but they are just different roads to that point and each could be appropriate given the circumstances.

We had a debate today for most of the class where two people got up and had to defend the each opposing side in good philosophical character. Fun stuff.

4. I got to Skype with my mom last night, and catch up with one of my best friends and play video games with my brother tonight. The internet is amazing. What a great time to live in.

5. I think this summer I might work on having Thoughts and a Letter: Year One printed and bound. I don’t know what it is with me and physical copies of things, but part of me just likes to have the ability to look at something in reality instead of just digitally.

6. Dear sharp pain in my elbow,

back again, are we? Will you be staying long? I can show you the door if you’d like.

Sincerely,
Derek 

1. This was my first night off in a while. I probably wasn’t as productive as I should have been. Got side-tracked by vegetation. I hate that feeling. I’m tempted to make myself stay up late to make up for it, but I probably won’t. But then again, maybe I need to let myself do that once in a while.

The worst part about it though is that as I’m sitting down here to write, I’m finding it hard to create. If I’d been doing something productive like reading or working on my calculus it would be a lot easier for me to write than it is right now. That’s the thing about me vegging out: I can always sense the decreased mental functionality. It might not be apparent to most people, but I can definitely tell a difference. I bounce back eventually, but I don’t like that it happens in the first place.

I want to do more things that matter. Learning is like a reluctant drug for me, essentially a stimulant, one whose high I repeatedly forget in favor of harder stuff like laziness.

2. Today had a rough start. I ran around for an hour trying to get copies made of some scores. No Mac formatted hard drives at the copy store, no student printing in MAB (what’s with that?), finally ad to email all 60MB over there uncompressed.

I also lost my WildCard 3 separate times today. I kept forgetting to put it in my wallet. Argh.

3. These last couple of posts have been real downers. I need to get out on my bike. Finally bought some bike cleats! Saved $60 since they had my size on clearance. This might have to happen tomorrow afternoon. I’ve missed riding so much.

I was reading the Men’s Journal article on Lance Armstrong doing an Iron Man. Did not realize how intense that is. 2.4 mile swim. 112 mile bike ride. Full marathon. That’s insane. I’m not sure I could do any one of those things individually.

4. I’ve been introduced this year to a musical theater duo called Pasek and Paul whose music I really like. It’s pretty typical of 21st century musical theater, but not ordinary. Their music really stands out from the crowd. They’ve got a song cycle called Edges that I think is prime material. Really fine work. I’d like to sing some of their music, but it seems to all be for tenor. Bummer.

5. Tracy Morgan is no longer himself. I just watched his interview on Conan and could detect no difference between him and Tracy Jordan, his character on 30 Rock. An identity disorder? Is he pulling a Joaquin Phoenix?

6. Saw a picture of a Kindle on Tumblr today that had a page from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy on its display that describing the Guide itself, which seemed to also be describing the Kindle.

“…he also had a device which looked rather like a largish electronic calculator. This had about a hundred tiny flat press buttons and a screen about four inches square on which any one of a million “pages” could be summoned at a moment’s notice.”

I remember reading this in 8th grade and not even being able to conceive what that would look or function like. Little did I know how close the technology really was. It’s not even 10 years later and we’ve already surpassed that technology.

7. Dear to-do list,

patience, young padawan. Slow your roll. All in due time, my friend.

- Derek 

1. I’m having an awkward week so far. I’m not quite sure yet how to turn it around.

I talk too much about myself. I think it stems from what I do in school and having to be a constant advocate for myself. I’m an expert on me. I’ve learned my thought processes like a map and I can tell where almost every emotion, thought, or action is coming from if I really think about it. I sometimes find it hard to get out of Derek-mode; I tend to make a big deal about my stories and experiences, whether they’re really that great at all. I can at times be a one-upper, and that’s a quality about myself that I really don’t like. I hate it, actually.

And the worst part is that even when I catch myself doing it, it’s hard for me to stop. I used to consider myself a good listener, but now I’d question that. I wish I could say that grad school hasn’t changed my personality at all, but I think it has in some ways. Living alone, too. I don’t spend as much time with people as I think would be healthy.

So if anyone who reads this regularly catches me talking way too much about myself [this blog not included, being that it is my own personal platform] in person, kindly tell me to cut the bullshit.

2. I’m afraid I’ve overextended myself in the music and class departments this quarter. I’ve got a busy two weeks ahead of me. 7 papers, and a bunch of music to memorize.

3. I’m in kind of a bummer mood tonight if you couldn’t tell.

4. Dear Tuesday,

I’m looking to you to be an improvement over today. Can that happen?

Let me know.
Derek 

1. I realized the other day that this is the first place that I’ve lived for any significant amount of time that’s not associated with a river. St. Louis had the Mississippi, Vienna had the Donau, Périgueux had the Périgueux canal, and Salzburg had the Salzbach.

I’m glad that, like all major civilizations, Chicago has a body of water. There’s something about a body of water that transcends into that 3rd area, as Ken Burns puts it.

2. I just put myself way out there. I’m trying to get back to the phrase I used to use, which was, “Hey, why not?”

3. Dear red wine,

you are really great to drink, but must you stain my shirt? Really?

Let me know if you want to take it back.

- Derem

1. I’ve got to be the most gullible person alive. Anytime I get a text/email/popup that tells me I’ve won something (like that one time that I thought I’d won the publisher’s clearinghouse sweepstakes or this morning when I thought I’d won a $1000 Best Buy gift card) I instantly believe it and follow whatever subsequent steps come up. I get so excited, but then I just end up feeling dumb.

When they said there’s a sucker born every minute, I must have been the sucker born in mine.

2. Had a good audition today. I went away feeling like I sang well, which is something I couldn’t say a year ago. I had no authority to say so, and I had no rubric for the comparison.

3. I need some free time sometime soon. I’d love a bike ride and a day at the beach. Possibly even on the same day.

4. It’s supposed to storm some tomorrow. Can’t wait!

5. Found out that a Sunday afternoon conflict I thought I was going to have will not be an issue in any case. That means that I can officially become a member at Redeemer! I haven’t had a real church membership in about 3 years. I can’t explain how excited that makes me. I’m so excited about this community.

6. I’m ready for this first year to be over. I’ve got a considerably open summer ahead which I’m sure will go quickly, but I’ve still got a lot to do in the next three weeks.

7. Dear busy weekends,

I’m finished with you. Go away. I need a sabbath.

Love,
Derek 

1. The world lost a great musician today. Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau is an absolute legend in my field. He is currently the most recorded singer in all of history and has recorded most if not all of the works of Schubert (which he’s best known for), Schumann, Liszt, Wolf, and Brahms. There is no one singer who I can say has had a more profound effect on my life. His style and artistry are unmatched when it comes to LIed. His devotion to the poetry and to the composers never failed to resonate.

His Schubert recordings are unmatched by anyone who’s sung them in the last hundred years. His is the standard to which all other renditions are held. His recordings have often been my first exposure to any given Lied. His Viola, my favorite piece of music, is so incredibly beautiful.

He will be sorely missed. What complete mastery. A life well-lived.

2. The percussionist tonight was a bit late, and there were a couple of minutes there where I thought I might be sight-reading some Britten.

3. After tonight’s Herring, I went with some friends to Hop Häus, where I managed to find a Stiegel. That was the beer that I had last summer, which cost all of €1 each out of the vending machine but cost $6.50 here. Still great.

I miss Austria. I need to go back.

4. People can be real jerks sometimes.

5. Dear droopy eyelids,

slow your roll, I’m not done yet.

Okay, now I’m done.

Good night,
Derek 

1. I’m really thankful for the people in my life who are so patient with me. I make some stupid mistakes sometimes, but luckily I’m around people who aren’t stingy with their grace. 

Had a big facepalm moment tonight during the show. It’s past now, but I still feel rotten about it. Everybody I work with is so wonderful.

I might be superstitious now though. We’ll have to see.

I could use a nice glass of wine, but I’m cutting back on drinking until after June 8th. Too much to do.

2. If anyone out there was wondering, the word is “wheelbarrow” and not “wheelbarrel”. This was the subject of a backstage debate last night. I’d never heard the latter before, but apparently it’s used by around 30% of our stagehand population.

3. I read somewhere today that the color blue greatly enhances creativity. That explains why I find it easier to write in bed than it is sitting at my desk; must be these gunmetal blue sheets. I produce more in general, and I think it’s of better quality, even on lighter days.

4. I bought a book on Calculus today that I’m going to start working through. I’m excited about it. I’ve learned to genuinely love learning. It’s so great to not have to answer to anyone on it.

I’ve always done well at school; it favors my skill set. I test well, relate to professors well, produce good essays, the whole lot. That said, I don’t always like learning in classroom environments. Professors can sometimes stress me out.

I’ve been craving knowledge lately, truly desiring it. I just want to know everything. No stone left unturned. It goes back to Churchill and when he memorized all of those Parliamentary meetings and learned the classics. He was filling in the gaps of where he thought his education should be. I’m doing the same thing. I’ve got a liberal arts degree and haven’t taken a formal math class since I was 17 years old. I want to be as whole as I can be. That extends into all areas of my life.

5. Dear weekend,

I’ve got a lot to do. Go slow.

Love,
Derek 

1. I saw a commercial for a product called Latisse, which apparently deals with the rampant problem of thinning eyelashes. I’m sure it’s a seriously debilitating condition, and one that definitely takes precedence over cures for major diseases. Or maybe they were testing a cure and thicker eyelashes was the only produced result. I’ll go with the latter and give them the benefit of the doubt.

One of the side effects discussed in the ad is possible browning of the irises which could theoretically be permanent. To me, it’s one of those “which thing is worse” type of situations. It would be very strange for me to suddenly have brown eyes after my lifetime of having blue-gray eyes, especially considering people would now be drawn to my full, gorgeous lashes.

2. I read an absolutely fantastic interview today with Thom Steinbeck (John’s son) by Alexandra Jaffe over at The Hairpin. Go read the whole thing if you’ve got the time. There’s some really brilliant stuff here. Here are some of the gems:

“I don’t spend my time dwelling on memories. I’m always looking for the next thing around the corner. What’s past is past, for me. What’s past is prologue too, you know?”

What a great way to think about that. Although it could be argued that his father writing so much about the Salinas Valley goes against this. But then again, sons have a tendency to rebel against fathers; it takes a while for them to realize they’re after the same thing.

“My father said there’s only one trick to writing, and that’s not writing, that’s writing and rewriting and rewriting and rewriting. Like sculpture. I mean, the first thing off the top of your head isn’t the most brilliant thing you ever thought of. And then when you’re writing about it, when you want others to understand what you’re sill talking about, then it really requires that you edit yourself really, really well, so that other people can comprehend it.”

Being that I do write primarily for myself, I don’t typically do this. But I have been questioning my writing process lately. I don’t generally draft. What you read is usually what’s come through my fingertips straight from my mind. I read through things a bit once I’m fully finished with my creative process, but that’s normally just to make sure I’m making at least a little sense.

I know a lot of great writers draft, but I’ve never been in the habit; not on term papers, not on emails, texts, anything. I just type and go. But that’s just my style. I can definitely say that it’s with minimal effort that I do this. I guess it used to take more, and sometimes still does, but that’s why I say this “don’t break the chain” thing is for anybody with any sort of interest at all.

[On his father’s advice] “I don’t know what to tell you about it. It was very, very difficult to … I didn’t realize who my father was. So it didn’t make a whole lot of difference. I wasn’t there believing that I was receiving genius from on high. My father was my father.”

This goes back to my questioning the composer as an archetype. We think of famous people who are gone as the stuff of legend, and each tends to take on a sense of certain grandeur, achieving god or demi-god status in our collective Mind. But these people are just men. Bach was a man. Steinbeck was certainly a man. George Washington: also a man.

“Everything my father wrote had truth to it. That’s what he was addicted to. He was addicted to the truth. And that truth as he saw it, and the truth in a way that other people saw it. If people agree and love Steinbeck, it’s because they would’ve morally and emotionally agreed anyway. He just gave it voice. But a lot of people don’t know how to give what they know a voice.”

Brilliant. Good ol’ confirmation bias. But I agree that Steinbeck really had a way of giving people a voice, Grapes of Wrath aside.

3. I’ve got to start a rolling tally of quotes describing my writing and what I do here.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” - Socrates.

4. Today’s just a good day for quotes, I guess; or finding them at least. Jason Kottke posted a Sarah Klein and Tom Mason short film on Ken Burns.

“You know, the common story is 1+1= 2. We get it. But all stories are really— the real genuine stories are about 1 and 1 equaliing 3. That’s what I’m interested in. 

We live in a rational world. We’re absolutely certain that 1 and 1 equals 2 and it does, but the things that matter most to us— some people call it love, some people call it God, some people call it reason— is that other thing, where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. And that’s the 3

I love that he’s into looking beyond. For me, this is straight mysticism. It’s looking past the physical and reaching into the metaphysical. Things were two dimensional— words, molecules, pages and ink— and then they come together into an idea, into a human being, into a song. The third dimension suddenly shows up and there’s a sense of vertigo, a sense of “Why didn’t I see this before?” There’s the breakthrough.

This all gets drawn back into that apophatic philosophy that I love so much. He’s not describing something precisely, because even his description is still 1+1=2. The 3 is an idea, almost inexpressible by words. There’s a transcendance.

There’s something that really pulls at my soul when it comes to mysticism. It’s a connection to something deeper, to a world of symbology, to a Great Voice. It’s so beautiful to me. Interestingly enough, it’s one of the reasons that I want to try to somehow get involved with mathematics this summer.

5. I was sitting at my desk reading earlier today when what should come chirping through my window but a barn swallow (H. r. erythrogaster). Luckily it left right away, but I had quick visions of what I would do if it landed.

Beautiful bird though. It had dark blue top feathers and a reddish belly and had the signature forked swallow tail formed by elongated outer tail feathers.

If anyone is wondering how I suddenly know so much about ornithology, they can be assured that I don’t, I just didn’t want to talk about the bird without knowing anything about it. I guess that’s the 3, maybe? I managed to identify it thanks to some deft Google searching.

6. I helped one of the younger cast members of Albert Herring proofread a paper for his high school history class. I used to be awful at proofreading, but the more I read and write myself, the more adept at editing I get. I have a much better sense for what works and what doesn’t.

I have a really crazy and varied skill set that lends itself well to a lot of different matters. Music, literature, poetry, writing, philosophy, theology, linguistics. Can you tell I went to a liberal arts school?

7. Dear birds,

stay out of my apartment.

Love,
Derek

1. I’ve been watching How I Met Your Mother for about the last three years. I regrettably didn’t hop on the bandwagon when it first premiered, but I’ve now seen every episode. I think it’s one of the best-written sitcoms of all time. I mean, it’s got some huge contenders, but like all great situational television shows of any variety it manages to tell a really engaging story with lots of in-jokes, and story arcs which are truly quite beautiful. The ongoing relationship between Barney and Robin is a prime example of that.

The great thing about HIMYM (nerd alert) is its balance between hilarious well-written jokes and really heartbreaking moments like lost love and loss. Like any good duality, the two emphasize each other, drawing out the emotions. The only other comedy that I can think of that balances this as well would be Scrubs, coincidentally another of my favorite shows.

If nothing else, watching this show for so long and seeing so much happen makes me really desire a great love story in my life. It’s sometimes messy and oftentimes difficult, but the beautiful moments make it so worth it.

2. I started C.S. Lewis’ The Great Divorce today. Lewis is a challenge to read, but not for the reasons you’d expect an author’s work to be hard to read. The issue at hand for me is that as far as fiction goes, he writes almost entirely in metaphor. That means I have to concentrate pretty hard to read it at face value. My tendency is to read it as fiction with a split second delay of metaphorical application. It takes a lot of concentration to keep it fenced in either.

3. I think I drank somewhere around 4 liters of water today, maybe even 5. I feel like that’s a lot.

4. I got some rather cathartic news tonight. Not sure that it should be cathartic, but it made me feel better. I think I won.

5. Dear thunderstorm,

I’m bummed I missed you tonight. I was in the cave downstairs in Cahn working on Albert Herring. Heard you rocked it though.

Hope to see you soon!
- Derek

1. I failed to mention in yesterday’s ramble that I finished my fourth book this week. Granted, this too was a rather short read, but impactful nonetheless.

Of Mice and Men. I’ve lately been feeling like going back and filling in all of the gaps between what I’ve read before as required by literature classes and what I haven’t. It’s a shame the schooling system works like it does. It mostly kills kids’ desire to read. I’m not saying that the system as a whole is hogwash, because I feel like I’m a very successful product of it, but there are definitely aspects I’d like to change. I didn’t read any Bronte in high school, nor did I read Hawthorne or Dante, thanks to Sparknotes. I just did enough to get by. I could answer the test questions, write some essays. I’m sure they’ve written fantastic books, but it’s all a system to churn out results. It’s a miracle I read Moby Dick and Huckleberry Finn (most of my classmates didn’t) and enjoyed them as much as I did.

It wasn’t until after high school and a good way into university that I introduced myself to Steinbeck, whose terse Americana writing style has become largely my favorite. Back in my junior year of high school, we had to write a paper arguing which was the greatest American novel: Mehlville’s Moby Dick or Twain’s Huckleberry Finn. At the time, I think I pulled my usual moderate stance and argued for both; now, I’m not sure what I’d say. I have come to my own personal conclusion that Steinbeck best captures American philosophy at its core. American philosophy to me is all about dreams and investment and wide expanses waiting to be tamed. I’m a true American when it comes to literature and philosophy. I’ve tried connecting to British and have come close to truly committing to German, but Americana holds my heart.

Steinbeck’s relation to nature alone captures me every time. Having grown up in Salinas, California, he wrote what he knew, and that was often the rolling hills, verdant valleys, and open skies of the early 20th century Californian country. Contrast that to the German brook, forest, and stars. It all feels a bit claustrophobic to me. Still meaningful, but I’ve got this romantic idea of westward expansion, of pursuing dreams.

That’s why I can relate so well to George and Lennie. They’re both after the same thing: somewhere to call their own. Somewhere to seek refuge from the rough world. They want to find their peace; George with his homestead, and Lennie with his rabbits. They’re so close and it’s just out of reach.

One of the major themes in the novella is on loneliness and all the things we do to separate ourselves and others from finding true relationship. That really resonated with me.

I thought the ending was perfect, too. But I won’t spoil it. Go read it if you haven’t.

2. I just ate a late night sandwich that consisted of american cheese, bread and butter pickles, and sweet baby ray’s BBQ sauce on honey oat bread. Perfection.

3. I’m at a point where I’ve got so much to get done, I don’t want to do any of it. I’ve been pretty successful at that up until this point.

4. Neck beard is the bane of my existence. If there was one thing I could change about my body, that’d probably be it. To never have to shave it again or deal with the itchiness would be amazing.

5. Dear bike,

I promise I’ll take you out soon. It’s been pretty hectic around here lately and I haven’t had enough daylight to spare to do so. May that day come quickly!

- Derek

1. I wouldn’t say that I’m afraid of heights. I don’t get vertigo that easily and have been adept at jumping off of things from a young age. But even though I don’t have a conscious fear of falling off of something, the subconscious must still be there; that’s likely what makes jumping such a rush.

Though when I’m near the edge of something, a funny thing happens. I get really nervous, change my behavior and have visions of the consequences. I’m cautious to bend over and pick something up near an edge or sit down and hang my feet over if it’s too tall. I’m unable to sit near there with my back facing away. These are all things that I would normally be able to do away from an edge without any slight ounce of fear. It wouldn’t be an issue.

See, I have control over a jump. I get to choose (for the most part) when and where I launch and land. There’s no control over the fall. It would simply be over with. I’ve had to continuously tell myself that my behavior would otherwise be perfectly safe. The chances of me falling over sitting indian-style on the floor under normal circumstances are slim-to-none; why should it be any different near an edge?

But how much more so does this manifest itself in how I relate to people? I have a tendency to err on the side of caution in all of my relationships; I tend not to say things if they might spark anger, tend to not act if it’s not safe, if I could get hurt, if the stakes are too high.

I’m so cautious of avoiding the fall, I’m not allowing myself to jump.

One of the happiest times of my life was during the summer of 2010. My motto for that point in my life was “Hey, why not?” I was jumping freely. I advanced in a lot of areas of my life in general. I had a lot of good and some great things happen to me because I was quite accurately living on the edge. I’ve since moved away from that, now opting to revere the edge as a higher power, as ultimate Fate or the loose stone that starts the avalanche. I’m cautious about my actions because I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes or alienate myself.

I would love to have a romantic relationship. There’s even someone I’d have in mind if I wasn’t afraid of the potential fallout or embarrassment of myself if I managed to screw things up. But what I’m not taking into account that by not acting to avoid failure, I’m sabotaging any chance I could have to actually succeed. I’ve been making excuses for myself, and sitting four or five feet back from the edge instead of climbing over and hanging from my fingertips or balancing with one foot on and one foot off.

I can’t help but feel like this is one of the themes in Siddhartha. My actions need to surpass time; I need to sink like a stone through my life, like a stone dropped into water.

I need to separate out my idea of what is safe in the world, what action will truly not have an ultimately negative consequence. I need wisdom, but I also need action. As it turns out, I can jump into the deep and be safer/happier/better than if I sit, nervous, at the top of the cliff, waiting for something bad to happen.

The sabotage needs to stop.

2. The lighting designer today was talking about a concept he had gotten from one of his Orthodox Jewish clients called lashon hara. I think he might have gotten it wrong by definition, but his application of it is admirable. It’s wishing good things to happen to your enemies.

Once, this man had to deal with a difficult person and his curse wasn’t a string of swear words and insults, it was, “I wish you a great job in a distant city.” It’s about using words with negative subtext, but for the greater good otherwise.

3. I’m fading fast, so I’m not sure if I’m making sense now.

4. Dear Mom,

I hope you know how much you mean to me. You have done so much for me in my life; I owe my music to you, a roof over my head, and food to eat, and that’s just the beginnings of it all. And all the while you’ve been a great listener and sounding board. I really admire you, mom. Thanks for loving me so well.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Love,
Derek 

1. I started and completed Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha today. That makes three books finished this week.

What a fantastic read though. I’d been meaning to read it for ages and finally Amazon offered it for free last week, so naturally I picked it up. It’s not very long (only about 126 pages) and the translation that I read (it was originally printed auf Deutsch) wasn’t that great, but the themes Hesse presented were terrific.

One of the themes near the end of the book concerns the nature of Wisdom, which I found interesting. It’s something that I’ve prayed for on and off for a while now, albeit maybe not persistently; I’m inspired by Solomon, who when presented with anything of his choice in the whole world, chose Wisdom. Siddhartha says that “Knowledge can be conveyed, but not wisdom. It can be found, it can be lived, it is possible to be carried by it, miracles can be performed with it, but it cannot be expressed in words and taught.” In other words, it must be sought after and found of one’s own accord or be granted to you from a higher power or as a birthright. Any amount of information can be passed from one person to another, but wisdom is internal.To quote C.S. Lewis, “Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” Both have to do with knowing, but knowledge itself tends to come from the outside, wisdom from the inside.

A further point he makes is that “Wisdom which a wise man tries to pass on to someone always sounds like foolishness.” It’s only fitting that Govinda, Siddhartha’s sometime companion, responds with, “Are you kidding?” Case in point.

Siddhartha has a lot to teach me. I think I may need to re-read this one. He’s very much his own man. As a precursor of his philosophy on wisdom, he turns away in his youth from the teachings of Gotama and follows his own path, forging deeper and deeper. He is able to accept things not only in the moment they are happening, but in how they relate to time. He doesn’t lose sight of the fact that there’s a before and afterward. Time is in a constant state of coexistence. He is a rock dropped into water, sinking like a stone towards the telos. It’s like Temple Grandin: “A door opened and I went through it.”

Constant forward motion. The constant drone of the Om.

2. “Bummer girl.”

3. I feel like I should write some prose sometime, but I have no idea what I would write or what I would write about. I mean, I bet I could write a novel, but I need to read more fiction before I feel that comfortable with that.

4. The correlation between reading and writing is astounding to me. It’s like I’m filling up at a gas station every time I open a book.

5. Today’s apartment viewing was kind of a bust. The place seemed nice, and everything looked pretty okay to me except for the tiny second bedroom. Pretty well unlivable. Way too small. I definitely don’t need as much space in a room as I have now, but I still want some. Other than my bed, I’m not sure there would be any room to walk to and from the door. More like open door, get in bed. Tokyo hotel. The noun, not the band.

6. Went to a Chinese buffet today. Felt that one for a few hours. Talk about a hangover.

7. Dear mind,

thanks for working so well lately. I’m about to throw a bunch more stuff at you to memorize and learn over the course of the next 3 weeks. Your hard work is appreciated, I promise. And this summer, we can just veg out a little. How about that?

Love you!
Derek