Writer, Christian, bibliophile, musician, generalist.

 

MCCLXXIX

1. Things finally seem like they’re moving somewhere. The only problem is it feels like things are moving without me.

I am just being pulled in many different directions.

2. I can’t wait to marry Anne Goetz. Is it August yet?

3. I kind of like waking up to thunderstorms. This was the second morning in a row I had that opportunity.

MCCLXXVIII

1. I now have an inhaler so I can cough less when I run. I’m really looking forward to using said inhaler tomorrow before I run.

Here’s hoping it works.

I kind of need my voice.

2. More stability is on its way, and for that I’m grateful. I’m not sure what the actual cost to me will be, so we’ll have to see about that.

3. I ate horribly today after finding out at the doctor I weighed 183 (the lowest weight of my adult life).

Tomorrow will be much better.

That burger did me in.

4. I sometimes write in a very disjointed manner that, as I read back through some of my college papers, doesn’t exactly work. As it turns out, I’m really fond of commas and semi-colons;

MCCLXXVII

1. What a busy Sunday. What a busy weekend. I have a feeling every weekend from here on out will be rather hectic.

2. I just read that Stephen Paulus passed away today. How sad; he was such a beautiful talent for choral composition.

3. I know I said that Schubert felt like the best thing for my voice lately, but leading worship might just feel better. I don’t know what it is, but when I’m up there leading worship, I can really sing. My voice doesn’t tire out, my tone spins, my support is there. Maybe I need to think about this.

MCCLXXVI

1. Nothing feels as good to sing to me at this time in my life as Schubert. It almost doesn’t even matter what song it is, just singing Schubert allows me to surpass any vocal idiosyncrasies and let the music come forth.

2. I am tortured by the call to go back to school and study something. Anything. I miss grad school terribly. I miss being held accountable, the workload, the late nights. All of it. I was good at it, too.

I need to rework some papers.

3. Had a fantastic rehearsal tonight with Constellation. What a great time!

MCCLXXV

1. My body is needing a ton of sleep as of late, and I’ve realized that if I don’t get it, I can’t function as well. Is this what it’s like to feel human again?

2. Had a party tonight with most of the people in my apartment building. It was a really great time, but I feel like I just ate for the past 4 hours. Is this what it’s like to feel human again?

3. Taught what I’d say were 18 fairly good lessons over the past two days with a couple of excellent lessons thrown in there. Is this what it’s like to feel human again?

MCCLXXIV

1. I have been wearing a jacket outside for the last two days; I am currently not sure if this is wishful thinking, or if I am really getting cold when it’s in the low 50s.

Either way, this is probably going to be a long winter.

2. My stress level is directly related to my ability (or rather, inability) to keep my room clean and organized. What a mess.

3. I could really use a reprieve from this cough.

But I did try Ingo Titze’s straw trick between lessons today. I think it helped!

MCCLXXIII

1. My voice is tired. I need to rest it a bit.

2. I am really loving this Schubert thing right now. Reading about his life and work is giving me all kinds of great ideas.

3. Vincente Huidobro’s Altazor. Wow.

One of the most interesting themes to me is his relating blindness and music. Incredible. Read it.

MCCLXXII

1. I am still rather obsessed with Rilke’s Orpheus. Eurydice. Hermes.

I’m trying to discern at this point whether it’s possible to set it to music or not. I think it would be very difficult, but I think I might like to try. Composing is something that has appealed to me at varying times in my life, and I’m wondering if now is not a time for me to explore that avenue. I’ve written quite a bit in the past, but mostly for voice and guitar, and never with someone else’s text.

It’s just such a magnificent poem. I can’t get enough of it.

And I feel like no one knows about it.

2. I’ve finally after almost two weeks started reading regularly again. That’s bringing at least a little normalcy back into my life.

3. In my prayers last night, it occurred to me that it might be a nice thing to find something better to do with my hands in some capacity. Paul’s tentmaking repeatedly came and comes to mind.

Whittling?

4. I think I may be asthmatic. And that’s why I cough so much when I run. I need to figure out a way to stop doing that.

MCCLXXI

1. I have been struggling to figure out what it is that will be my life’s work. I know I have contributions to make to the field of pedagogy or to the study of art song (specifically Lieder), but I am absolutely stumped on what approach to take.

I just today began reading Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau’s biography on Schubert and his songs, which is proving informative, if a bit dull. I think if I could present Schubert in a better narrative fashion, I could really be doing something. I’d love to give a lecture recital or two. Especially if it involved Goethe some of Schubert’s songs on mythological themes. It’s so interesting to me how most major art forms at some time or another observe a significant return towards Classicism. I mean, that’s largely what started Western music as we know it. I love that nearly everything we hold important now can be traced back to the Florentine Camerata. Or at least in terms of how I understand it.

Also, it’s completely ridiculous that the Camerata de’ Bardi involved Vincenzo Galilei, Galileo’s father.

2. I have felt inspired to compose as of late. There are so many poems I’d like to treat. Maybe I should stop ignoring that call.

3. Cough cough cough.

4. It’s almost unbelievable that Cornell West was arrested today in St. Louis. I wonder what will come of this.

MCCLXX

1. What I would like tonight is a really good night of sleep. I don’t feel like I’ve slept well in about three weeks. My radiator has had other plans.

It ends tonight.

2. After four solid days of almost non-stop speaking or singing, I think I need a break tomorrow.

3. Schubert is calling me. I think I have some work to do.

MCCLXIX

1. I have sung a lot in the past week. Nearing the amount I sang per week in grad school. I’d forgotten what this was like. I feel tired; and it’s actually kind of nice.

2. I feel like I haven’t stopped moving for about three days. The moment I get home I go to bed, and the moment I get up, I take a shower and leave.

3. Baseball. Come on Cardinals.

MCCLXVIII

1. Waiting in my car about to give a concert. The first as constellation. Excited!

2. I think it’s today might have turned my teaching attitude a bit.

3. McDonalds is not awesome.

MCCLXVII

1. I was hungry today for the first time in over a week. Like, actually hungry.

It feels good to just feel like I’m living again.

2. Had a great first premarital talk with our priest and his wife tonight. What great people.

3. I miss reading comic books. I haven’t bought any titles in the past few months, but I would really love to get caught up on Saga and East of West at least.

MCCLXVI

1. I have spent and unprecedented amount of time over the past week or so facedown crying out to God. I have felt lost, depressed, forsaken, like I’m a total waste. My focus has waned, my drive for greatness. My ambitions seem insurmountable and I’m afraid for my professional life.

These are not entirely unfamiliar things to me, but I don’t think I’ve ever experienced them this deeply or this vividly. Things have seemed so hopeless and so daunting.

But the word I keep using here is seem. Things seem so chaotic. Things seem so dim. I wish my heart could get over how things seem in order to actually do something about them. I had a conversation this evening with Annie’s parents that was reassuring, but I didn’t have any complete answers. I wish I knew what to do.

But during one of my facedown prayers in my living room, I was repeatedly praying “What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

And I heard a small but firm voice say, “Keep going.”

That was unexpected. It was so sure, so welcome.

And so I pressed further: “How do I do it? How do I do it? How do I do it? How do I do it?”

And that same voice said "Love Me."

Oh.

I feel as though God is molding me in all of this. No, maybe forging is a better term. I feel each dint of the hammer, each time I’m placed in the fire, each plunge into the barrel of water. This is not my ideal. But I feel as though when God finishes this project, I will be new. I hope I will be ready for what I become.

God has not abandoned me. He is still working. I just hate it.

And I think God’s okay with that. I mean, I don’t presume to speak for him, but I don’t think he intends for me to necessarily enjoy what is happening to me.

And in some strange way, I think I can find joy in that. Joy that things will turn out okay, that even if he takes everything I thought I was (which I don’t think he will for sure), I will still be his.

I need to walk in this for a while. It in almost no way alleviates my stress, but I think I might better understand it.

I just wish I could comprehend it.

2. I finally saw the moon last night and tonight. Full.

3. I was on the train today and not having a great time at it.

But then I spotted over by the door a woman with her baby in a sling. This baby was adorable. He did that baby thing where he just locked eyes with me and was fascinated. So I smiled, winked, waved. He ate it up.

And the best part was his mom didn’t notice so I didn’t feel awkward about it.

4. Anne is incredible. I don’t know what I did to deserve this wonderful woman, but I’d gladly do it again.

I cannot wait to marry her.

MCCLXV

1. My attention span, focus, and motivation are all shot. Those used to be some of my best attributes.

2. I feel like I can’t trust myself, and I don’t like that.

3. I am about to go to bed at 10:00 because I’m tired of not getting enough sleep on account of the radiator.

4. I’ve been feeling a little bohemian lately, if you can’t tell.

5. Purpose is an awful burden. And often an invisible one.

6. I would really like to sing somewhere this summer, but I’m not sure where I can get in these days. And I’m also getting married, so that’s shading things as well.

7. Life feels really hard right now and it seems like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.

I heard a Churchill quote today: “If you’re going through hell, just keep going.

I’m just going to keep going.

8. I would really love to help someone. I feel like that would help me.